To our TESD participants,
After much discussion we are also delaying our Therapeutic Empowerment Self-Defense sessions. We are committed to this program and have already seen amazing results. If you are already enrolled, don’t worry, we’ll make sure to reschedule when we know it’s safe to do so. We will make sure that we can serve those who have reached out, but we have decided to wait until such a time that we know we can proceed uninterrupted. As you can imagine it’s very difficult to practice self-defense while also maintaining social distancing. Stay healthy, wash your hands, and we’ll be in touch soon!
Much love,
The Safety Team

by Kate Williams

For the last three years, The Safety Team has been on the periphery of my life. I first heard about The Safety Team three years ago, when I was researching self-defense classes. They were the first to pop up, and as I went down the list of presenters, I noticed something: they all trained at the same dojo. Recognizing that as a positive referral, I promptly joined that dojo.

About a month after I started classes, one of the Safety Team presenters offered a six-week self-defense class for women after my normal Kempo class. I stayed for it and was glad I did. I learned valuable techniques that were geared specifically to women and the unique situations we often face in the world today. 

As much as I approved of their mission statement, at the time, I wasn’t in a place where I could volunteer. I was self-employed and often working evening shifts and didn’t have the time I felt necessary to do volunteer work justice. But they were always on my radar. As I moved up in the ranks at my dojo, I met more of The Safety Team’s presenters and watched several of my classmates become volunteers. But for me, it still wasn’t the right time.

Cut to 2019. Things shifted in my life and I finally found myself able to offer my services to them. It was with a fair amount of excitement and a few nerves that I signed up to help with The Safety Team’s workshops. I admit to being in awe of the intelligent and highly trained women who ran The Safety Team. I felt at the same time the opportunity to deepen my knowledge-base and an incredible anxiety that I might accidentally do or say the exact wrong thing at the wrong moment. 

Thankfully, The Safety Team offered a training for volunteers interested in helping with the workshops. In these trainings, I learned about things like the reactionary gap, basic hits and kicks, and how to teach them. I also learned common mistakes that people make when first learning these techniques, and how to correct them so they remained safe.

Just one week after attending my first training session, I attended my first Safety Team workshop. As the training started, we went around and introduced ourselves. For many of the attendees, it was their first time attending anything like this and they were both excited and nervous. I understood perfectly; I felt the same thing!

The first half of the workshop consisted of a presentation. Because The Safety Team teaches empowerment self-defense, there was a lot of information to cover before anyone ever hit or kicked a pad. Attendees learned about affirmative consent (only yes means yes), defending versus defeating, fight/flight/freeze, and prevention and proactive risk reduction. All of this was presented in such a way as to help women understand that they had it in them to do something if they found themselves in an unwelcome situation. But most importantly, the first and last message was always:

100% of the responsibility for an attack is on the attacker.

While the first part of the workshop was about information, the second part was about action. As we stood in a circle, we learned about the reactionary gap, pre-assault cues, the defensive stance, and different hits and kicks. Because this was a level one workshop, they taught three strikes (palm heel, elbow/forearm, edge fist) and two kicks (instep/shoelace and the knee). We learned about the appropriate targets for each and about the “grab-and-go” technique. Experienced pad holders coached the attendees through hitting and kicking the pads safely.

We also learned in the second half that using our voice was just as important as defending ourselves physically. They told us that 60% of attacks could be deterred by using either our voice or physical boundaries like the defensive position. But if we used both our voice and physical boundaries, then our chance of success rose to 80%! We practiced using our voice with phrases like, “No!” “I don’t know you!” and “Back off!” Then, we practiced saying them in both the defensive stance and while we were striking. 

The very last move we were taught was the Super Cool Ground Move. And it really was cool. It was simple and basic, but a highly effective way of teaching women just how strong we really are. What was it? Come to a training and find out! (Click here for upcoming classes)

As a first-time volunteer, I was a little nervous going in. I wasn’t quite sure what I should do or say, or how best to lend my services. But I got over that quickly. Everyone at the Safety Team was so kind and welcoming, and before long I was helping and encouraging attendees and shouting “No!” along with everyone else. While my Kempo Jiujitsu training helped me understand the hits and kicks quickly, I realized early on that having a martial arts background wasn’t necessary to be a volunteer. All I needed was a passion for empowering women.

All too often, in self-defense trainings, women are bombarded with scary statistics, then told to react with an uncomfortable level of violence. Safety Team workshops aren’t like that at all! While some of the information was sobering, most of it was empowering. It was fun and humorous. Everyone there understood what it’s like being a woman today and the things we’ve done to keep ourselves safe. These workshops encouraged and empowered us to maintain our own bodily autonomy and showed us safe, effective methods of getting out of sticky situations. There was no doom and gloom. There was humor, encouragement, understanding . . . and cookies. 

I had so much fun at this first workshop, and from what I could tell the participants did, too. It was two and a half hours of women learning strength, empowerment, safety, and courage. It was a community coming together to share in the possibility of what we could do. It was positive, uplifting, and inspiring.

We, as women, have such tremendous strength. All too often, we’re taught to ignore it and push it aside, and it’s so insidiously done that we aren’t aware of it. When women come together to share what we know and support each other in what we’ve been through, our potential is incredible.

I am looking forward to the next time I’m able to volunteer at a workshop. And the next, and the next. I can’t wait to see the realization of power dawn on the participants’ faces and to watch the next round of participants embody their potential.

Tags: EmpowermentSelfDefense ESD Feminism MeToo Volunteering SelfDefense

There have been some truly powerful social media movements over the last few years. From #YesAllWomen to #MeToo and now #TimesUp women are making their voices heard on issues we have talked about for decades.

These are not new concepts. None of these are a surprise to women.

It’s not surprising that the backlash exists. Suddenly, men say, there will be no more flirting, no more dating. There will be no new relationships, birth rates will crash and civilization will die! The horror!

Even still, I am surprised by the number of men on the internet making comments about how they just don’t understand what women want.

They can’t crack the code! How will they find love now in the age of #MeToo?

I recently had a conversation with a man online who said if he had to wait for women to show their interest and consent he would be alone forever. I asked him if he had ever thought of asking women if they were interested in him. He said he had done that before and that “it didn’t work,” and that what did work was to instead be “confident and persistent” and that “despite that I still choose to be respectful.”

Red flags abound. But he’s not alone. I see these comments over and over again. So here I am. I’m going to “crack the code” for you. 

How to tell if a woman is interested:

Let’s say you see a woman you find attractive. Maybe you love her laugh. Maybe you’ve known her for years, maybe you’ve just noticed her across the bar. She’s making eye contact, smiling, and showing a million and one potential body signs of interest or she’s sitting quietly having a drink. Maybe you want a relationship. Maybe you just want to hook-up for the night. It doesn’t matter, the approach is the same. ASK!

“Hi, I couldn’t help but notice you, and I was wondering if you’d be interested in going on a date with me?”

“I know we’ve know each other for years, but I find myself wanting more, and I was wondering if you felt the same.”

“Hey, you’re really attractive, and I was wondering if you were interested in hooking up?”

You’ll notice that all of these ask the woman a direct question. Now here’s the tricky part. You have to actually listen to the answer, and respect that it is the final answer.

“I would love to!” “I absolutely feel the same way!” “Hell, yes, you’re hot!”

These statements all express enthusiastic consent. If you get any of these, Congratulations! Love is in the air! (However, keep in mind that consent is continuous. You will have to ask again, if you want to do something new. Consent to a date is not consent to sex.)

“No.” “I’m not interested.” “No, thanks.”

If you get any of these answers, alas, cupid’s arrow has missed. The important part is now how you respond. The correct response goes something like this: “Ok, have a good night.” “I understand.” “Ok, sorry to bother you.”

The important part to remember is that the refusal is NOT the starting point of negotiations. We have all had experiences with men who will not accept this answer. If you try to convince the woman to change her mind, it’s not persistence, it’s harassment. Respect her answer and move on.

Now, what if you don’t get a clear “yes” or “no?” 

“I have a boyfriend.” (Whether you know she does or not) “I’m meeting someone here.” “I just got out of a bad relationship.” “I’m really just struggling to focus on school/work right now.” “I have an early morning tomorrow.” “Now is just not a good time.” Or maybe she doesn’t say anything. Maybe she goes to her phone. Maybe she tries to leave you behind. 

This is the part where men cry foul, that women speak in codes. Why can’t they just give a clear answer?

Here’s the deal: All of those answers are a “No.” Do not proceed, do not pass go. 

Let’s say you think there might be real interest there. Maybe you’ve had fabulous conversation up to this point. Maybe she smiles regretfully. You can say, “Would you like my number in case you change your mind?” Now, she may take the number or not, but you can not ask her for her number, and if she doesn’t call, you leave her alone.

But why? Why can’t these women just give a straight answer. Why must she lead you on with niceness and smiles?

She’s afraid you’re going to kill her.

Yes, seriously.

Every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted or beaten. The news is full of stories of women being killed because they rejected or tried to leave a man. We have all experienced (or known someone who has had) an interaction that went from “Hey beautiful!” to “I will kill you, you stuck up bitch!” in 60 seconds flat. At least 1 in 5 women have been raped. 1 in 3 women have experienced emotional or physical abuse from a romantic partner. Statistically domestic violence, assault and rape are the number 1 threats to young women.

Women navigate the world knowing that half the population is bigger, stronger and a threat to their safety.

Now, let’s put you in her shoes. And it is very much not a man being approached by a woman in a bar. You can stay a man, but I want you to imagine the person who has approached you is Bruce Banner. You know that at any moment, he’s capable of becoming the Hulk and well…Hulk Smash.

Maybe you’re confident enough to say “No” directly. Maybe you think because you’re friends with Tony Stark and in public, you’re safe so you give a firm, direct answer.

But, maybe you know you need to walk home home after this. Maybe you know that Bruce knows where you work. And you don’t ever want to meet the Hulk.

So instead of saying no, you try to keep Bruce calm. You smile. You say, “Oh man, I have a really early meeting tomorrow.” “I’m just not in the right place for a relationship right now.” You hedge your bets because you know that being nice, that making it sound like it’s not a true rejection, will keep you safe.

That’s what women do. You are Bruce Banner, and we don’t want to meet the Hulk.

I have taught many self-defense classes and the hardest thing to teach women, is not how to strike, it’s to use their voice. The fear that saying the wrong thing is dangerous is one that women know well.

But that’s not fair, you say! I’m a good guy! I have female friends who trust me. I rescue orphans from burning buildings and gently carry spiders outside. Great! But the woman you’ve approached does not know if you are a Good Guy or a Nice Guy™ or a serial killer.

Nice Guys™ tell us loudly how nice they are. And they are nice…until you say no. They talk about friendzones and ungrateful bitches because they saw their niceness as a pay for play. We’ve all experienced the man we thought was our friend, only to find out that he was just trying to get in our pants. And when we turned him down? It didn’t go well.

Trust is based on actions over time.

We can’t know you’re a Good Guy until we have interactions, and until we experience otherwise, we can’t know if the Hulk is going to come out, or if you’re really just a Nice Guy™. So we answer very carefully. If you want to prove you’re a Good Guy, you need to respect her answer. If you truly accept woman as equals you have to respect their decisions. Women know their minds. They know if they are interested or not.

I promise you, that if someone is actually interested, they will say “yes.”

~Darcy

#MeToo Consent Flirting Romance Feminism Dating

I lost my voice last week. Literally. I had laryngitis for three days, and communicated using hand signals and facial expressions and with the assistance of a white board.  I must admit that I was fascinated by the change in group dynamics, caused by my vocal absence. Try it sometime.

That being said, I don’t want to lose my voice again anytime soon. It is frustrating to have thoughts that you cannot share and to be overlooked in conversations, as if you don’t exist.  No one’s fault really, but if you are silent, well, you simply can’t be heard.

I must confess, though, that this is not a totally new experience for me.  In my youth, I was very quiet and in my adulthood, I have not always been heard in business meetings filled with male counterparts.  I, like many women, struggle to feel comfortable with being assertive, striving to feel heard yet unsure when or how to speak up, based upon previous experiences. Women historically have been taught to be nice and quiet, and to avoid conflict in order to please others and keep the peace.

In our Women’s Self-Defense Workshops, we talk about the power of using our voice. It is a readily accessible tool that can deter an attack, signal others nearby to assist us, and let a potential attacker know that we will be a tough target.  In general, our voice can convey a sense of confidence, deliver a powerful message and help in setting boundaries.

Along with the use of voice, the words themselves matter. Words are part of the subtle fabric underlying our cultural norms or expectations. Let me explain what I mean.

Today, I was watching TV and noticed some words.  Five to be exact. One word each was spoken by five children as part of an ad to request donations for a local non-profit organization; an organization, I might add, that does wonderful work. 

Picture the theme: superheroes—with each child saying a word that they think exemplifies a quality of a superhero.  The boys’ words were: strong, fearless and inspirational. The girls’ words…wait for it…: nice and generous.

Hold on! 

While these are all wonderful qualities, boys should be strong, inspirational, and fearless (qualities of the person) while girls should be focused on how they treat others (nice and generous)?  This pairing reinforces classic, historical gender stereotypes at a time when thankfully these stereotypes are changing, for the better of all.  I believe that it is the accumulation of countless small messages like this that shape our societal beliefs and behaviors.

So here is where voice and words intersect. Do I say something, or let it go? 

I debated, and then decided to use my voice. I sent a friendly message to the organization expressing both my appreciation for their work, and my concerns with their ad.

After reviewing the ad themselves, they immediately pulled it from circulation and apologized. This gender pairing of words was not intentional but accidental, they said, and I believe them. They simply didn’t think about how the ad came across in this way.

I also believe that it is only through mindful, purposeful action that we begin to make changes. We don’t change the world for the better purely by accident, but by opening our minds and hearts to see what needs to change, and working diligently and persistently to change it.  And those changes start small.  

Thank you for listening.

Christine

“Big things often have small beginnings.”-author unknown  

For further reading, see https://www.theguardian.com/teacher-network/2017/dec/15/teaching-gender-equality-can-help-tackle-sexual-harassment-heres-how.#GenderNorms Gender GenderStereotypes GenderRoles Change Impact Advertising

Last night I watched the movie “Leap!.” It was a cute, animated film following two orphans searching for their dreams in Paris in the late 1800s. The characters individually were adorable.

Felicie is a determined young girl, passionate and brave pursuing her dream of becoming a dancer. Victor is caring, silly and supportive pursuing his dream of becoming an inventor.

But the whole time I watched the movie, their relationship between each other rubbed me the wrong way. I made comments while we watched, but it kept bothering me. I kept thinking about it.

This morning I just happened to have a meeting with Christine, our Safety Team president, and I discussed how it was little, but it bothered me. It bothered me that this was the relationship playing out in a kids movie. She reminded me that erosion occurs one drop at a time. Drip, drip, drip. The little things add up.

So let me set the stage: Felicie and Victor have grown up in the orphanage together and have plotted their failed escapes many times. They finally find freedom in Paris and are quickly separated through a matter of accident, which leads them to the start of their dreams. Felicie moves in with a former ballerina/ now servant. Victor moves in with an inventor working on the Statue of Liberty.

Up to this point, they have acted as friends and siblings. Victor has cared for her in the manner of a big brother, but they are no more than that.

Drip 

Victor invited Felicie out to have some fun. They end up at a pub where she dances. While she dances Victor yells, “That’s my girlfriend!” A nearby patron asks “Does she know that?”

Ok… Victor has made an assumption that is not based on evidence we’ve seen, but at least he’s called out on it?

Drip

Victor walks Felicie home and leans in for a kiss. His lips are pursed, his eyes are closed. There is no question what he wants. Felicie backs up and asks “What are you doing?” Victor plays it off and leaves.

Drip

There is a popular boy (Rudolph) at the dance academy where Felicie studies. He asks her on a date, which she agrees to. Later she is in conversation with Victor and talks about needing to be ready for an audition. The dance instructor has made it clear, she either gets this part or she is out of the academy. This audition is A. BIG. DEAL. Victor complains about how focused she is on dance. He asks her out, conveniently to the same time and place as her date with Rudolph. She doesn’t answer his nagging and grumbles off into her house.

He asks to the closed door “Is that a yes? I’m going to take that as a yes.”

Drip

Felicie goes on her consensual date with Rudolph. You know, the one she actually said yes to. Going on the date in the first place is fairly poor timing since she should be training, but it’s a mistake she has agreed to make.

It is her choice.

Rudolph is ridiculous and vain, and it is a failure of a first date, but that’s what first dates are for. To getting to know the other person. While on her consensual date they run into Victor, who despite not getting a “yes” from Felicie, has proceeded with setting up a romantic date.

Felicie introduces Victor to Rudolph as her friend. Victor yells at Felicie because he feels as though Felicie is embarrassed by him, though she has just introduced him as her friend. The two boys throw insults and then eventually flail at each other. Felicie tells them both they’re idiots and leaves the date.

Drip

After plot ensues in which Felicie has lost everything. Felicie ends up going to the inventor’s house and apologizing to Victor.

As I’m watching this I think: this is the part where we reunite the characters but why is she apologizing? Yes, Victor got his feelings hurt, but how is that Felicie’s fault?

She never gave any indication that she returned his romantic interest, (creating a verbal and physical boundary when he attempts to kiss her) and had never agreed to go on the date with Victor. She was on her date with Rudolph when Victor was unhappy with what he was getting from Felicie. Unrequited love sucks. But that’s not Felicie’s fault. Felicie repeats that Victor is her best friend.

Drip

Eventually we clash with our big bad and Victor comes to the rescue with a finally successful invention. Felicie ends up on stage just as she had dreamed and in the audience Victors says, “That’s my girl.”

Alright why am I bothered by all of this?

1. Felicie makes her intentions clear throughout the movie. She views Victor as a friend. Her best friend, but simply a friend. Felicie eventually kisses Victor on the cheek, as a friend, much in the same way she hugs her adopted mother.
2. Rather than respecting Felicie’s desires, Victor pursues and pursues despite her rejecting his kiss and ignoring his date request. Despite her repeated declarations that they are friends. He has claimed her as hisrepeatedly through the movie regardless of what she says.
3. Felicie placates Victor’s hurt feelings, when she has done nothing wrong. She had every right to go on her date. She was not responsible for unwarranted expectations made by Victor. We’ve, yet again, placed the feelings and the actions of a boy on the shoulders of a girl.

Victor is an endearing character. I’m not calling him a monster. He’s sweet, and silly and mostly supportive. He’s not evil. He’s not the villain. And that makes his pursuit of Felicie presented as romantic. He’s been a good friend. So why should kids think anything of his behavior? The pursuit of the romantic relationship is problematic, because Victor ignores what Felicie is telling him and acts as if she belongs to him.

This is a kid’s movie, and there is no seduction. But this is very similar to the patterns of “seduction” found in adult movies. And doesn’t it seem so normal for James Bond to force a kiss or Han Solo to grab onto Leia despite objections. Hell, John Wayne spanked his love interest. We didn’t listen to the heroines objections when we were kids, why would we care later?

Children learn respect and consent young. Relationships displayed in movies like this reinforce that girls desires don’t need to be respected. We reinforce that girls are responsible for the feelings and actions of boys. Neither is acceptable.

Perhaps it’s no surprise this movie was put out by The Weinstein Company.

~Darcy#Consent Leap! PredatoryRomance GenderStereotypes RapeCulture1 note